1 00:00:16,448 --> 00:00:17,792 So lay it out for us, Admiral. 2 00:00:17,793 --> 00:00:19,309 - What's the conundrum? - The Titanic Museum 3 00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:21,379 is one of the most popular in the world, 4 00:00:21,482 --> 00:00:23,448 and it's all thanks to the blockbuster film 5 00:00:23,551 --> 00:00:26,034 about the timeless romance between Jack and Rose. 6 00:00:26,137 --> 00:00:27,620 I love that movie. 7 00:00:27,724 --> 00:00:29,000 I even saw it in 3D. 8 00:00:29,103 --> 00:00:31,068 It felt like I was drowning to death. 9 00:00:31,172 --> 00:00:33,619 Meanwhile, attendance here at the Lusitania Museum is 10 00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:35,793 - at an all-time low. - What?! That's ridiculous. 11 00:00:35,896 --> 00:00:38,344 Do people not even realize that when the Lusitania 12 00:00:38,482 --> 00:00:41,034 was torpedoed by a German U-boat in 1915, 13 00:00:41,137 --> 00:00:43,344 it triggered U.S. involvement in World War I? 14 00:00:43,448 --> 00:00:44,827 Historically, the Lusitania's 15 00:00:44,931 --> 00:00:46,896 way more significant than the Titanic! 16 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,206 I know. We're going to have to close our doors for good 17 00:00:49,344 --> 00:00:50,551 if we don't get more visitors. 18 00:00:50,655 --> 00:00:52,482 So why not make a Lusitania movie 19 00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:53,724 to get people excited about it? 20 00:00:53,827 --> 00:00:54,965 You think we haven't tried? 21 00:00:55,068 --> 00:00:56,310 Every time we pitch one, 22 00:00:56,413 --> 00:00:57,655 we're accused of ripping off Titanic. 23 00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:58,931 But then we had 24 00:00:59,034 --> 00:01:00,206 a better idea. 25 00:01:00,344 --> 00:01:01,965 If we could somehow find 26 00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:05,413 evidence that the Lusitania had a real-life romance on it, 27 00:01:05,517 --> 00:01:06,826 that would beat any Hollywood fantasy 28 00:01:06,827 --> 00:01:08,688 and our museum would finally get 29 00:01:08,689 --> 00:01:09,999 the crowds it deserves. 30 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,586 So what do you want us to do? 31 00:01:11,689 --> 00:01:12,758 Please, dive down 32 00:01:12,862 --> 00:01:14,171 to the wreckage of the Lusitania 33 00:01:14,172 --> 00:01:17,309 and find us our Jack and Rose. 34 00:01:22,241 --> 00:01:23,481 Aah! 35 00:01:23,482 --> 00:01:25,310 Bubbles! 36 00:01:25,413 --> 00:01:26,689 How's it going down there, guys? 37 00:01:26,793 --> 00:01:28,551 Find any signs of true love? 38 00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:29,689 That's a negative, good buddy. 39 00:01:29,793 --> 00:01:30,724 Roger that. 40 00:01:30,827 --> 00:01:31,724 "Good buddy"? 41 00:01:31,862 --> 00:01:32,724 Um, yeah. 42 00:01:32,862 --> 00:01:34,689 I like the sound of that. 43 00:01:34,793 --> 00:01:36,965 Whoa! Rip, get over here, quick. 44 00:01:41,655 --> 00:01:42,862 What is it? 45 00:01:42,965 --> 00:01:44,551 The historical record has always claimed 46 00:01:44,655 --> 00:01:46,758 the Lusitania's carpets were tan, but look-- 47 00:01:46,896 --> 00:01:48,172 they're actually blue. 48 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,343 Oh, damn it, Saltine, who gives a shit? 49 00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,620 Hey, what's this? 50 00:01:53,724 --> 00:01:55,517 A giant octopus! Oh, my God! 51 00:01:58,896 --> 00:02:00,103 No, no, no, no, no. 52 00:02:08,965 --> 00:02:10,240 It died. 53 00:02:10,241 --> 00:02:11,827 Choked on plastic. 54 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,827 A sad reminder that octopuses 55 00:02:13,965 --> 00:02:15,965 are truly stupid animals. 56 00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:17,930 Whoa, Rip, check it out. 57 00:02:17,931 --> 00:02:21,827 A perfectly preserved cabin with historical treasure untold? 58 00:02:21,931 --> 00:02:24,724 Uh, yeah, Mother's rock-hard. 59 00:02:29,758 --> 00:02:31,068 It's a scrapbook. 60 00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:32,448 "Jack and Rose: 61 00:02:32,551 --> 00:02:34,275 Our True Story"? 62 00:02:34,379 --> 00:02:36,620 So Jack and Rose were real? 63 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:39,413 And they were also on the Lusitania?! 64 00:02:39,517 --> 00:02:40,758 Not just the Lusitania-- 65 00:02:40,862 --> 00:02:42,896 the Titanic, the HMS Bulwark, 66 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,206 the Liberté. Jack and Rose 67 00:02:44,310 --> 00:02:45,965 were aboard every major shipwreck 68 00:02:46,068 --> 00:02:47,275 of the early 20th century. 69 00:02:47,379 --> 00:02:49,586 - Wow, that's some bad luck. - No. 70 00:02:49,689 --> 00:02:51,034 Luck had nothing to do with it. 71 00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:53,240 They were responsible for those shipwrecks. 72 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:54,689 And this scrapbook proves it. 73 00:02:54,827 --> 00:02:56,206 - You mean... - That's right, Swooper, 74 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,310 my good buddy-- Jack and Rose 75 00:02:58,413 --> 00:03:00,551 were homicidal maniacs! 76 00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:02,619 All I heard was "good buddy" again, 77 00:03:02,620 --> 00:03:04,964 and I am loving it! 78 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,481 This shows exactly how 79 00:03:21,482 --> 00:03:23,241 Jack and Rose sank each ship-- 80 00:03:23,344 --> 00:03:24,964 steering the Titanic into an iceberg 81 00:03:24,965 --> 00:03:26,310 after roofie'ing the captain, 82 00:03:26,413 --> 00:03:28,241 lighting a bomb on the Lusitania 83 00:03:28,344 --> 00:03:30,896 and then framing those poor innocent Germans. 84 00:03:31,034 --> 00:03:32,275 The list goes on and on. 85 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,827 Wow. This is crazy. 86 00:03:33,931 --> 00:03:36,310 The Titanic movie means so much to so many people. 87 00:03:36,413 --> 00:03:39,137 I mean, Jack and Rose basically caused my sexual awakening. 88 00:03:39,241 --> 00:03:40,965 If people found out, they'd be crushed. 89 00:03:41,068 --> 00:03:42,343 So what are you saying? 90 00:03:42,344 --> 00:03:43,551 You think we should keep this a secret? 91 00:03:43,655 --> 00:03:44,896 Damn it, Saltine, 92 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:45,827 if you sit on a hot potato like this, 93 00:03:45,931 --> 00:03:47,171 it burns your whole ass. 94 00:03:47,172 --> 00:03:49,551 You think I don't know a potato burns your ass? 95 00:03:49,689 --> 00:03:51,517 It's just... 96 00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,068 this one hits close to home. 97 00:03:53,172 --> 00:03:55,724 Well, if you ever want to become a full-blown arky like me, 98 00:03:55,827 --> 00:03:58,137 there's one super important lesson you need to learn. 99 00:03:58,241 --> 00:04:01,758 Exposing the truth is worth any consequence. 100 00:04:01,862 --> 00:04:02,723 I understand. 101 00:04:02,724 --> 00:04:05,000 Sometimes the status... 102 00:04:05,103 --> 00:04:06,137 can't remain quo. 103 00:04:06,275 --> 00:04:08,586 Uh, okay, whatever that means. 104 00:04:08,689 --> 00:04:10,275 You love your Latin. 105 00:04:10,379 --> 00:04:12,275 All right, time to call Boat Boy. 106 00:04:13,103 --> 00:04:13,965 Land ho. 107 00:04:14,068 --> 00:04:15,517 I hope you're sitting down. 108 00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:16,758 One sec. 109 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:19,000 Hit me. 110 00:04:19,103 --> 00:04:21,241 We just found out that Jack and Rose were real 111 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,930 and they were terrorists. 112 00:04:22,931 --> 00:04:26,172 They sunk the Titanic, the Lusitania and more! 113 00:04:26,275 --> 00:04:28,068 Incredible! Who were they working for? 114 00:04:28,172 --> 00:04:30,000 I cannot tell as of yet. 115 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,965 None of the targets have anything in common 116 00:04:32,103 --> 00:04:33,241 as of yet. 117 00:04:33,344 --> 00:04:34,896 It's a complete and utter mystery... 118 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,689 as of yet. 119 00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:39,448 I can't wait to rub this in the faces 120 00:04:39,551 --> 00:04:41,689 of those Titanic snobs across the street. 121 00:04:41,793 --> 00:04:44,723 They'll rue the day they called me Lieutenant Lamewad. 122 00:04:44,724 --> 00:04:46,586 I'm an admiral, damn it! 123 00:04:48,379 --> 00:04:50,757 Knock-knock. Admiral Lamewad! 124 00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:54,758 Here's the evidence that'll disgrace Jack and Rose forever. 125 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:57,413 I'm just gonna turn your chair around. 126 00:04:59,172 --> 00:05:00,792 Admiral Lamewad! 127 00:05:00,793 --> 00:05:02,655 He's now the late Admiral Lamewad. 128 00:05:02,758 --> 00:05:03,689 Who would do such a thing? 129 00:05:03,827 --> 00:05:04,655 Arr! 130 00:05:04,793 --> 00:05:06,655 I would, matey. 131 00:05:06,758 --> 00:05:07,757 The name's Ice Bergens. 132 00:05:07,758 --> 00:05:09,172 Oh, my God! 133 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:11,068 Is it International Talk Like a Pirate Day? 134 00:05:11,172 --> 00:05:14,896 Yes! Now hand over the scrapbook, ya scallywag, 135 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,792 or you'll find yourself in Davy Jones' locker. 136 00:05:17,793 --> 00:05:19,481 Yeah, no, totally. Makes perfect sense. 137 00:05:19,482 --> 00:05:21,757 But let me just give a little bump of narcotic 138 00:05:21,758 --> 00:05:23,172 to my furry friend here first. 139 00:05:25,310 --> 00:05:26,620 Look. 140 00:05:26,724 --> 00:05:28,344 He's with the Titanic Museum. 141 00:05:28,482 --> 00:05:30,034 The Admiral must have run his mouth. 142 00:05:30,137 --> 00:05:31,379 Looks like they don't want the truth 143 00:05:31,517 --> 00:05:33,172 about Jack and Rose to get out. 144 00:05:33,275 --> 00:05:34,689 We have to alert the authorities. 145 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,551 Oh, my God. Alert the authorities? 146 00:05:36,655 --> 00:05:37,964 I mean, I agree we should, 147 00:05:37,965 --> 00:05:39,827 but you sound like such a zark, Saltine. 148 00:05:39,931 --> 00:05:41,274 But, yeah, no, I agree. 149 00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:42,619 It's a really good idea. Let's do it. 150 00:05:42,620 --> 00:05:44,034 Officer, 151 00:05:44,137 --> 00:05:45,206 we'd like to report a murder. 152 00:05:45,310 --> 00:05:46,758 Crime is my very field of trade. 153 00:05:46,862 --> 00:05:48,481 I'd be happy to help. 154 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:51,206 Why don't you, uh, come join me in this dark alley 155 00:05:51,344 --> 00:05:52,827 and tell me all about it? 156 00:05:52,931 --> 00:05:54,586 Actually, never mind. 157 00:05:54,689 --> 00:05:57,931 I just remembered they died of natural causes. 158 00:05:58,034 --> 00:05:59,482 - What is it? - The Titanic Museum is one 159 00:05:59,586 --> 00:06:01,275 of the most powerful institutions on the planet. 160 00:06:01,379 --> 00:06:02,413 They have people everywhere. 161 00:06:02,517 --> 00:06:05,206 We can't trust anyone. 162 00:06:09,551 --> 00:06:10,724 I got to warn Agatha 163 00:06:10,827 --> 00:06:12,103 and Swoops. 164 00:06:13,379 --> 00:06:15,586 Rip, our HQ was ransacked. 165 00:06:15,689 --> 00:06:17,482 Oh, damn it! It's the Titanic Museum. 166 00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,379 Okay, Agatha, I can't believe I'm saying this, 167 00:06:19,482 --> 00:06:21,516 but it's a Code 36. 168 00:06:21,517 --> 00:06:22,586 We're out of Turkish delight? 169 00:06:22,689 --> 00:06:24,379 Oh, whoops. I meant Code 37. 170 00:06:24,482 --> 00:06:25,551 Code 37! 171 00:06:25,655 --> 00:06:27,241 Good God! Code 37. 172 00:06:27,344 --> 00:06:28,379 I understand. 173 00:06:28,482 --> 00:06:29,516 Farewell, Rip. 174 00:06:29,517 --> 00:06:31,896 - What's Code 37? - Code 37 means 175 00:06:32,034 --> 00:06:34,137 all our lives are in grave danger 176 00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:37,550 and so we scatter to the wind. 177 00:06:37,551 --> 00:06:40,000 Oh, that was crazy. Some wind blew right when I said that. 178 00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:44,448 Do we really need to do this? 179 00:06:44,586 --> 00:06:46,241 - Go into hiding? - Yes, Saltine. 180 00:06:46,344 --> 00:06:49,758 The Titanic Museum is basically like the CIA plus the yakuza. 181 00:06:49,896 --> 00:06:51,862 They're bloodthirsty killers who will stop at nothing 182 00:06:51,965 --> 00:06:53,378 to preserve their legacy. 183 00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:56,413 Holy-- and I don't say this lightly-- guacamole. 184 00:06:56,551 --> 00:06:58,586 Welcome to my safe house, Saltine. 185 00:06:58,689 --> 00:07:00,655 Now, the Titanic Museum is only after us 186 00:07:00,793 --> 00:07:02,964 so we don't reveal the truth about Jack and Rose. 187 00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,654 But once the truth's out there, 188 00:07:04,655 --> 00:07:06,482 they won't kill us because everyone will know it was them. 189 00:07:06,586 --> 00:07:09,172 And I know just how to spread the word. 190 00:07:09,310 --> 00:07:10,689 Welcome back to The Night Show! 191 00:07:10,793 --> 00:07:13,000 with your host, Chortles Collins. 192 00:07:13,103 --> 00:07:15,379 It's time for another edition of "On The Contrary." 193 00:07:16,793 --> 00:07:18,793 Let's take a look at a clip of Senator Potts. 194 00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:21,827 I think Americans would be happy to pay higher taxes 195 00:07:21,931 --> 00:07:24,344 if it means their congressmen get raises. 196 00:07:24,482 --> 00:07:25,757 Um, Senator, 197 00:07:25,758 --> 00:07:27,862 on the contrary. 198 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,379 Chortles Collins. 199 00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,827 The most trusted name in late-night comedy news. 200 00:07:31,965 --> 00:07:33,482 Can't we talk to a real reporter? 201 00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:35,241 Sadly, no real news organization 202 00:07:35,344 --> 00:07:37,274 reaches all of America now, Saltine. 203 00:07:37,275 --> 00:07:39,793 Only Chortles does. He bridges the divide. 204 00:07:39,896 --> 00:07:42,137 That is true. But how would you even get booked on the show? 205 00:07:42,241 --> 00:07:43,757 Because Chortles owes me a favor. 206 00:07:43,758 --> 00:07:45,551 Wait, you know Chortles Collins? 207 00:07:45,689 --> 00:07:47,931 Indeed I do. We went to boarding school together. 208 00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,517 Actually, we went through a lot more than that together. 209 00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:52,137 You know that book, Lord of the Flies? 210 00:07:52,241 --> 00:07:53,481 Yes. 211 00:07:53,482 --> 00:07:56,482 We once had to read it for English class. 212 00:07:56,586 --> 00:07:58,517 Whoa... 213 00:08:00,655 --> 00:08:03,517 Okay, everybody, that's it. I got every last one of you. 214 00:08:03,620 --> 00:08:07,275 Mr. Collins, you are just as nice off camera as you are on. 215 00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:08,931 Yeah, tell that to my proctologist. 216 00:08:11,655 --> 00:08:12,655 - Hello, Chortles. - Aah! 217 00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:13,586 Rip Digman? 218 00:08:13,724 --> 00:08:14,826 The last time I saw you, 219 00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,275 Dick Cheney was still looking 220 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,241 for his weapons of mass destruction. 221 00:08:18,344 --> 00:08:20,205 Oh, no! 222 00:08:20,206 --> 00:08:22,758 Hey, please just save the gut busters, friend, 223 00:08:22,896 --> 00:08:23,896 or I'll never get through this. 224 00:08:24,965 --> 00:08:26,172 Okay, here's the deal. 225 00:08:26,275 --> 00:08:27,895 You have to let me be a guest on your show. 226 00:08:27,896 --> 00:08:30,482 I've made an amazing find and I need to share it with the world. 227 00:08:30,586 --> 00:08:31,413 What is it? 228 00:08:31,551 --> 00:08:32,586 For your own safety, 229 00:08:32,689 --> 00:08:34,241 I can only tell you live, on-air. 230 00:08:34,344 --> 00:08:36,068 But you have to trust me. It's huge. 231 00:08:36,172 --> 00:08:37,481 So, can I come on tomorrow night? 232 00:08:37,482 --> 00:08:38,861 I don't know, Rip. 233 00:08:38,862 --> 00:08:40,551 I've already got Zane booked on the show. 234 00:08:40,655 --> 00:08:41,758 Ugh. 235 00:08:41,862 --> 00:08:42,826 Th-That's fine. It doesn't matter. 236 00:08:42,827 --> 00:08:44,034 Look, you owe me, Chortles. 237 00:08:44,137 --> 00:08:45,827 I don't owe you anything. 238 00:08:45,931 --> 00:08:47,343 Oh, don't you? 239 00:08:47,344 --> 00:08:49,827 I shared my answers with you on a vocab test in eighth grade. 240 00:08:49,931 --> 00:08:51,481 If it weren't for me, you'd have never learned 241 00:08:51,482 --> 00:08:52,862 the word "contrary." 242 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:55,896 And now I owe my career to that word. 243 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,689 Okay, fine. Tomorrow night. 244 00:08:57,793 --> 00:08:59,241 Now if you'll excuse me, 245 00:08:59,344 --> 00:09:01,241 I have tickets for the theater. 246 00:09:05,310 --> 00:09:06,655 And we're back. 247 00:09:06,793 --> 00:09:08,965 So, Zane, tell me more about Puffington Day. 248 00:09:09,103 --> 00:09:10,482 Oh, yeah, that's right, Chortles. 249 00:09:10,620 --> 00:09:12,172 My wife hails from the kingdom of Puffland, 250 00:09:12,310 --> 00:09:14,000 and Puffington Day is a beloved holiday 251 00:09:14,103 --> 00:09:15,827 that celebrates their most sacred traditions. 252 00:09:15,965 --> 00:09:18,344 Yeah, screwing and getting our drink on. 253 00:09:18,448 --> 00:09:20,344 And that's why we've written a children's book. 254 00:09:20,448 --> 00:09:22,379 I love it. Okay, everyone, 255 00:09:22,482 --> 00:09:24,413 my next guest is a disgraced arky 256 00:09:24,517 --> 00:09:26,448 who is currently on the lam, Rip Digman. 257 00:09:26,551 --> 00:09:28,172 ♪ 258 00:09:28,275 --> 00:09:29,447 Wow, Rip, you look and smell 259 00:09:29,448 --> 00:09:30,965 - terrible. - Shut up! 260 00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:32,517 - Great to see you, Rip. - Shut up! 261 00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:34,241 Now everyone buckle your seat belts, 262 00:09:34,344 --> 00:09:36,655 'cause I've got some shocking information I need to share 263 00:09:36,758 --> 00:09:38,137 about a certain beloved shipwreck. 264 00:09:38,241 --> 00:09:40,000 - What the? - Yes, it's time for me 265 00:09:40,103 --> 00:09:41,758 to reveal the unsettling truth, 266 00:09:41,862 --> 00:09:43,827 - which is... - Let's play "What's in the Box!" 267 00:09:43,965 --> 00:09:45,620 Huh? 268 00:09:45,724 --> 00:09:49,551 Reach into that box and tell us what you think's inside. 269 00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:50,723 Shit! 270 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,000 We think it's shit. 271 00:09:52,137 --> 00:09:53,448 Why'd you cut me off? 272 00:09:53,586 --> 00:09:55,137 What the... A gun? 273 00:09:55,241 --> 00:09:57,517 On live TV? What is this, The Murray Franklin Show? 274 00:09:57,620 --> 00:09:58,896 Sorry, Rip, I don't have a choice. 275 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,655 The Titanic Museum is our top sponsor. 276 00:10:00,758 --> 00:10:03,275 So not another word about Jack and Rose, 277 00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:04,310 or else. 278 00:10:04,413 --> 00:10:05,689 Son of a bitch! 279 00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:07,137 That's right. It was shit. 280 00:10:07,241 --> 00:10:08,517 So, Rip, 281 00:10:08,655 --> 00:10:10,137 you were saying something about a shipwreck 282 00:10:10,241 --> 00:10:12,965 or your life flashing before your eyes or something? 283 00:10:13,068 --> 00:10:15,793 Uh, yeah. I wanted to say... 284 00:10:15,896 --> 00:10:19,482 everybody thinks the Lusitania had tan carpets, 285 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,241 but they were actually blue. 286 00:10:21,344 --> 00:10:24,067 You don't say. Well, blue definitely beats tan. 287 00:10:24,068 --> 00:10:26,274 "Um, hi, yes, I'd like to buy a carpet 288 00:10:26,275 --> 00:10:27,793 the color of dirt, please." 289 00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:29,724 "Yes, that's right, 290 00:10:29,827 --> 00:10:31,068 dirt, where worms live." 291 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,413 What the hell? 292 00:10:32,517 --> 00:10:34,137 I just launched a line of tan carpets 293 00:10:34,275 --> 00:10:37,137 with the slogan "As tan as the Lusitania's carpet." 294 00:10:37,275 --> 00:10:38,689 Hello? You want to cancel 295 00:10:38,793 --> 00:10:39,827 your order for a tan carpet? 296 00:10:39,965 --> 00:10:41,586 And you do, too? 297 00:10:41,689 --> 00:10:44,103 Seriously, old friend, if you're smart, 298 00:10:44,206 --> 00:10:46,379 you'll keep your nose out of the Titanic Museum's business. 299 00:10:46,482 --> 00:10:48,000 I'm just looking out for you here. 300 00:10:48,137 --> 00:10:50,274 Chortles, you ruined me! 301 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,620 Look out! He's got an industrial-sized staple gun! 302 00:10:55,931 --> 00:10:58,792 - Huh? Oh. - It's not that bad. 303 00:10:58,793 --> 00:11:00,757 You're gonna make it, buddy. 304 00:11:00,758 --> 00:11:04,241 On the contrary. I'm signing off for the last time. 305 00:11:04,344 --> 00:11:06,172 Rip, listen to me. I messed up. 306 00:11:06,275 --> 00:11:08,413 Got in too deep with the Titanic people. 307 00:11:08,551 --> 00:11:10,379 You don't know the whole truth. 308 00:11:10,517 --> 00:11:12,826 The lock, Rip. The lock... 309 00:11:12,827 --> 00:11:15,206 is the key. 310 00:11:15,310 --> 00:11:16,758 Goodbye, my dear, sweet friend. 311 00:11:16,862 --> 00:11:18,206 All right, call the coroner. 312 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:21,172 We got a big fucking corpse here. 313 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:27,379 Uh, okay, so, Chortles turned out to be a bust. 314 00:11:27,482 --> 00:11:28,792 We got to blow the lid off this thing fast. 315 00:11:28,793 --> 00:11:30,171 The body count keeps rising. 316 00:11:30,172 --> 00:11:31,862 All right, let's get back to the clue. 317 00:11:31,965 --> 00:11:34,965 Chortles said, "The lock is the key." Hmm. 318 00:11:35,068 --> 00:11:36,654 What if he didn't mean a lock of hair, 319 00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:38,999 but instead, some other sort of lock? 320 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,310 Or what if he did mean a lock of hair? 321 00:11:41,413 --> 00:11:42,654 Saltine, you're brilliant. 322 00:11:42,655 --> 00:11:44,413 Let's see. Isn't there, isn't there. 323 00:11:44,517 --> 00:11:46,689 Yes! The scrapbook has a lock of Rose's hair. 324 00:11:46,827 --> 00:11:48,309 I can send it off to be DNA tested. 325 00:11:48,310 --> 00:11:50,206 We'll just have to wait 48 hours for the results. 326 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,343 Which just so happens to be the perfect amount of time 327 00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:54,482 to finally binge-watch all 48 episodes 328 00:11:54,586 --> 00:11:58,034 of the acclaimed, prestige TV show The Boddingtons. 329 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,240 And that's why we'll always be... 330 00:12:03,241 --> 00:12:04,688 the Boddingtons. 331 00:12:04,689 --> 00:12:06,240 Well, that sucked. 332 00:12:06,241 --> 00:12:07,931 We weren't wondering why they were the Boddingtons. 333 00:12:08,034 --> 00:12:10,344 The DNA results are in. 334 00:12:10,448 --> 00:12:12,793 Oh, my goggles. 335 00:12:12,896 --> 00:12:14,482 They had a daughter! 336 00:12:16,413 --> 00:12:17,965 - Go away. - Wait. 337 00:12:18,068 --> 00:12:19,758 Laverne Dawson. We know your parents are Jack and Rose 338 00:12:19,862 --> 00:12:21,275 from the Titanic. 339 00:12:21,379 --> 00:12:22,586 And the Lusitania. 340 00:12:22,689 --> 00:12:24,241 I have no idea what you're talking about. 341 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,793 We know the truth about them. 342 00:12:25,931 --> 00:12:27,895 But if there's more to the story, we want to hear it. 343 00:12:27,896 --> 00:12:30,758 Jack and Rose taught an entire generation of teenagers 344 00:12:30,896 --> 00:12:32,378 what it means to be horny. 345 00:12:32,379 --> 00:12:34,310 You got the wrong old lady. 346 00:12:34,413 --> 00:12:35,758 You know what? Forget it, Saltine. 347 00:12:35,862 --> 00:12:37,827 Let's just go tell the world the truth. 348 00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:39,689 Oh. Dang. 349 00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,620 When it turned out "the lock is the key" meant 350 00:12:41,724 --> 00:12:43,482 Jack and Rose had a daughter, I was hoping 351 00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:45,482 she could explain why they sunk all those ships. 352 00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:47,655 Me too, but she said she's not the right person 353 00:12:47,758 --> 00:12:49,310 and frankly, I believe her. 354 00:12:49,413 --> 00:12:51,448 I mean, the lead did come from that jokester Chortles, 355 00:12:51,586 --> 00:12:54,482 so I guess we should have taken it the way I take my pretzels: 356 00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:56,103 with a grain of salt. 357 00:12:56,206 --> 00:12:58,275 Whoop! Hold on. My phone's ringing. 358 00:12:58,379 --> 00:12:59,793 It's Swooper. Oh, yeah. 359 00:12:59,896 --> 00:13:02,206 I was wondering what he and Agatha have been up to 360 00:13:02,310 --> 00:13:04,482 for the past week. 361 00:13:05,862 --> 00:13:08,206 I bought this farmhouse a couple years ago. 362 00:13:08,344 --> 00:13:11,241 It's really off the beaten path, so we should be safe. 363 00:13:11,344 --> 00:13:14,034 Wow. Me, in a small town? I'll certainly 364 00:13:14,172 --> 00:13:17,758 miss my metropolitan lifestyle in the big city. 365 00:13:18,758 --> 00:13:20,102 Two macchiatos, please. 366 00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:22,517 I'm afraid we only have regular old coffee here. 367 00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:24,655 Guessing you don't get too many worldly globetrotters 368 00:13:24,793 --> 00:13:26,136 in here, huh? 369 00:13:26,137 --> 00:13:27,448 It's gonna be hard for me 370 00:13:27,551 --> 00:13:29,964 to adjust to life in this Podunk town! 371 00:13:29,965 --> 00:13:32,517 I couldn't help but overhear-- because you're screaming-- 372 00:13:32,655 --> 00:13:34,792 but this town actually has a lot of charms. 373 00:13:34,793 --> 00:13:36,034 May I give you a tour? 374 00:13:36,137 --> 00:13:38,274 That'd be great. 375 00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:40,481 Okay, let's go see shitsville. 376 00:13:40,482 --> 00:13:42,448 ♪ Tell me what you want this year ♪ 377 00:13:42,551 --> 00:13:44,379 ♪ I only want you... ♪ 378 00:13:44,482 --> 00:13:46,274 Our number one export is hot cocoa. 379 00:13:46,275 --> 00:13:47,862 - Hmm. - Our number two export 380 00:13:47,965 --> 00:13:49,274 - is tiny little marshmallows. - Hmm. 381 00:13:49,275 --> 00:13:51,275 Our number three export is fracking. 382 00:13:51,379 --> 00:13:54,172 And we have horse-drawn sleighs instead of cars 383 00:13:54,275 --> 00:13:56,034 and carrot stations instead of gas stations. 384 00:13:56,137 --> 00:13:58,447 And, uh, where can I find a vibrant, 385 00:13:58,448 --> 00:13:59,793 experimental theater scene? 386 00:13:59,896 --> 00:14:02,034 - You can't. - Okay. 387 00:14:02,137 --> 00:14:03,862 Me and my bodega guy are gonna 388 00:14:03,965 --> 00:14:06,241 have a good laugh about this. 389 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:08,000 - Wow! - That's the mayor's house. 390 00:14:08,103 --> 00:14:10,550 And, yes, it is made out of gingerbread. 391 00:14:10,551 --> 00:14:12,723 Kind of makes me want to take a bite. 392 00:14:12,724 --> 00:14:15,413 I'm actually freezing my two nuts off! 393 00:14:15,517 --> 00:14:17,896 The Christmasberg Town Tree. 394 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,826 Whoever wins the Cookie Baking Competition gets to light it. 395 00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:22,931 Lady, I think I speak for both of us 396 00:14:23,034 --> 00:14:25,241 when I say who gives a shit? 397 00:14:26,206 --> 00:14:27,551 Aw, fuck! 398 00:14:27,655 --> 00:14:30,516 ♪ 'Cause at Christmastime ♪ 399 00:14:30,517 --> 00:14:33,275 ♪ I only want you. ♪ 400 00:14:33,379 --> 00:14:35,655 This gingerbread cookie tastes 401 00:14:35,758 --> 00:14:38,724 as good as one of my house's walls. 402 00:14:38,827 --> 00:14:41,689 The winner is Agatha! 403 00:14:43,034 --> 00:14:44,758 Huzzah! 404 00:14:44,862 --> 00:14:48,068 I'm so pissed off. 405 00:14:50,965 --> 00:14:54,275 Who would do something like this? 406 00:14:54,379 --> 00:14:55,827 I saw the whole thing! 407 00:14:55,931 --> 00:14:57,068 It was Swooper. 408 00:14:57,172 --> 00:14:58,655 Let's find him and kill him! 409 00:14:58,758 --> 00:15:01,275 We'll tear him limb from limb and bathe in his blood. 410 00:15:01,413 --> 00:15:02,793 No one is safe! 411 00:15:02,896 --> 00:15:04,240 Let's go, everybody. 412 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,931 Agatha? I'm scared. 413 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:12,344 Shh. It's going to be all right. 414 00:15:12,448 --> 00:15:14,310 I miss working for Rip. 415 00:15:14,448 --> 00:15:16,619 Going all over the world. So great. 416 00:15:16,620 --> 00:15:18,965 Don't worry. Soon, we're gonna work for Rip again. 417 00:15:19,068 --> 00:15:20,619 - You mean it? - Yup. 418 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:23,274 We're gonna work for Rip and you're gonna fly a big, 419 00:15:23,275 --> 00:15:25,655 shiny airplane in the sky. 420 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,655 And there's gonna be rabbits on the plane. 421 00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:31,448 All the soft, furry rabbits you can imagine. 422 00:15:31,586 --> 00:15:34,379 Stop right there. 423 00:15:34,482 --> 00:15:35,689 Drop the gun. 424 00:15:35,827 --> 00:15:37,067 Wait. You were gonna blow my head off? 425 00:15:37,068 --> 00:15:38,619 Give me your phone. 426 00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:40,102 Whoop, hold on, 427 00:15:40,103 --> 00:15:41,413 my phone's ringing. It's Swooper. 428 00:15:41,517 --> 00:15:42,585 Hey, Swooper, real quick, 429 00:15:42,586 --> 00:15:43,931 don't talk shit about Saltine 430 00:15:44,034 --> 00:15:45,482 'cause I have you on speaker. Okay, go. 431 00:15:45,620 --> 00:15:47,344 This isn't Swooper. It's Ice Bergens. 432 00:15:47,448 --> 00:15:49,000 It is? But you're not talking 433 00:15:49,103 --> 00:15:51,827 - like a pirate at all. - Yes, because it's no longer 434 00:15:51,965 --> 00:15:54,310 Talk Like A Pirate Day. I have your friends. 435 00:15:54,448 --> 00:15:57,103 If you ever want to see 'em again, let's make a trade. 436 00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,482 Your friends for the scrapbook. 437 00:15:58,586 --> 00:16:00,102 Don't give in, Rip! 438 00:16:00,103 --> 00:16:01,586 Just tell Cornelia I had 439 00:16:01,689 --> 00:16:04,309 - a wonderful first date. - Yeah, Rip, don't do it. 440 00:16:04,310 --> 00:16:05,827 Just give me a proper lesbian funeral. 441 00:16:05,931 --> 00:16:07,344 Tomorrow night, 442 00:16:07,448 --> 00:16:10,172 11:00 p.m., meet me at Pier 59 in New York City. 443 00:16:10,275 --> 00:16:12,689 The very pier where the Titanic was supposed to dock. 444 00:16:12,793 --> 00:16:14,034 No shit. Neat. 445 00:16:14,137 --> 00:16:15,758 Okay, yeah, we'll be there. 446 00:16:15,896 --> 00:16:19,171 And then you'll go down faster than the Titanic herself. 447 00:16:19,172 --> 00:16:20,448 Assuming you have a plan, Saltine. Do you? 448 00:16:20,551 --> 00:16:22,000 - No. - Oh, no, we're fucked! 449 00:16:25,482 --> 00:16:26,965 I'm sorry, Saltine. 450 00:16:27,068 --> 00:16:28,309 I was trying to teach you 451 00:16:28,310 --> 00:16:30,172 that exposing the truth is worth any consequence. 452 00:16:30,275 --> 00:16:32,172 But then, as soon as I faced real consequences, 453 00:16:32,275 --> 00:16:35,517 I buckled like the back half of Garfield's owner's last name. 454 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,999 Hello, Rip. 455 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,655 What the hell? 456 00:16:38,758 --> 00:16:41,034 Is it International Crazy Hat Day or something? 457 00:16:41,137 --> 00:16:43,724 Yes. Now, the scrapbook. Bring it to me. 458 00:16:43,827 --> 00:16:45,965 Uh, okay. Of course. 459 00:16:46,068 --> 00:16:47,792 Just one second. 460 00:16:47,793 --> 00:16:49,309 Here I go. 461 00:16:49,310 --> 00:16:50,688 What's the holdup? 462 00:16:50,689 --> 00:16:52,310 Is revealing the truth more important 463 00:16:52,413 --> 00:16:54,447 than your friends' lives? 464 00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:58,000 Oh, yes! 465 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,620 And Arky of the Year goes to... 466 00:17:02,758 --> 00:17:04,413 Rip Digman! 467 00:17:04,551 --> 00:17:06,412 Obrigado! Thank you. 468 00:17:06,413 --> 00:17:08,378 Thank you so much. 469 00:17:08,379 --> 00:17:09,931 Oh. 470 00:17:10,034 --> 00:17:11,586 Rip Digman has just hit a grand slam 471 00:17:11,689 --> 00:17:13,895 to win the World Series! 472 00:17:13,896 --> 00:17:17,241 And on the eve of his wedding to Princess Beautiful. 473 00:17:17,344 --> 00:17:18,413 Agatha, Swooper, 474 00:17:18,517 --> 00:17:20,585 I did it! Oh. 475 00:17:20,586 --> 00:17:23,724 Well, you had a good ride, buddy. 476 00:17:23,827 --> 00:17:25,931 Did you hear that, Swooper and Agatha? 477 00:17:26,034 --> 00:17:30,206 Wait a sec. Where are they? 478 00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:31,620 Why?! 479 00:17:31,724 --> 00:17:33,137 What's the holdup? 480 00:17:33,241 --> 00:17:35,724 Is revealing the truth more important 481 00:17:35,827 --> 00:17:37,688 than your friends' lives? 482 00:17:39,241 --> 00:17:40,827 Oh, no! 483 00:17:45,344 --> 00:17:46,448 Rip Digman and two friends 484 00:17:46,551 --> 00:17:47,862 win the four-legged race. 485 00:17:47,965 --> 00:17:49,517 For the second year in a row, 486 00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:52,931 Rip Digman and friends win the four-legged race. 487 00:17:53,034 --> 00:17:55,000 And we have a new champion. 488 00:17:55,103 --> 00:17:58,378 Sadly, Rip and his two friends could not be here today. 489 00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:07,068 And I now know what I must do. 490 00:18:08,310 --> 00:18:09,826 All right, now you can just go ahead 491 00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,619 and hand over Swooper and Agatha, like we agreed. 492 00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:13,827 And hey, why not let 'em keep the funny hats? 493 00:18:13,931 --> 00:18:16,620 Oh, they can keep the hats... in their coffins. 494 00:18:16,724 --> 00:18:17,964 You double-crossed us. 495 00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:19,724 You know the truth about Jack and Rose. 496 00:18:19,827 --> 00:18:21,413 We certainly can't let you live. 497 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:25,344 He said, unaware of a huge zit on his forehead. 498 00:18:25,448 --> 00:18:27,655 Whoa! 499 00:18:27,793 --> 00:18:29,412 Holy cow! Whoa! 500 00:18:29,413 --> 00:18:30,896 - Aah! - Aah! 501 00:18:32,206 --> 00:18:34,827 Laverne? What in the dickens is going on? 502 00:18:34,931 --> 00:18:37,724 In polite society, a thank you would be in order. 503 00:18:37,862 --> 00:18:40,689 Oh, yeah, thank you. I'm still just a little freaked out 504 00:18:40,827 --> 00:18:43,826 from seeing four guys get their heads blown clean off! 505 00:18:43,827 --> 00:18:46,862 I mean, I still got prefrontal cortex on my face. 506 00:18:46,965 --> 00:18:49,482 And let's just say it smells like brain gunk. 507 00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,310 You saved us even though we're the ones 508 00:18:51,413 --> 00:18:53,481 who want to reveal the truth about your parents. 509 00:18:53,482 --> 00:18:56,241 That's why I saved you, you nincompoop. 510 00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:59,344 My whole life, I hid the truth about my parents 511 00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:01,448 because I thought it would hurt people. 512 00:19:01,586 --> 00:19:04,343 But you showed me that hurting people 513 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:07,586 is exactly what the Titanic Museum is doing. 514 00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:10,275 It's time to put an end to this madness 515 00:19:10,413 --> 00:19:12,516 and tell the world what I know. 516 00:19:12,517 --> 00:19:14,103 Oh, okay. Well, in that case, 517 00:19:14,241 --> 00:19:16,448 why did they sink all those ships? 518 00:19:16,586 --> 00:19:18,517 - ♪ - My parents had a rare 519 00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:19,931 sexual predilection. 520 00:19:20,068 --> 00:19:21,310 They could only get turned on 521 00:19:21,413 --> 00:19:23,275 while on the deck of a sinking ship. 522 00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:25,931 Like the characters in that David Cronenberg movie Crash, 523 00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,861 but instead of car crashes, it was shipwrecks. 524 00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:30,344 Okay, that makes sense. 525 00:19:30,448 --> 00:19:32,000 If they weren't sinking a ship, 526 00:19:32,103 --> 00:19:35,550 Jack couldn't get hard and Rose couldn't ovulate. 527 00:19:35,551 --> 00:19:37,827 We're not quite sure that's exactly how the science works, 528 00:19:37,931 --> 00:19:39,758 but sounds like they were pretty convinced. 529 00:19:39,896 --> 00:19:41,275 Uh, I'm a doctor, and I can say 530 00:19:41,379 --> 00:19:42,896 - that is how the science works. - Thank you. 531 00:19:43,034 --> 00:19:44,689 But I should warn you, I'm a bit of a quack. 532 00:19:44,793 --> 00:19:47,068 - Will you shut the fuck up? - Anyway, that's why 533 00:19:47,206 --> 00:19:48,793 they murdered thousands of people. 534 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,034 So they could start a family. 535 00:19:51,137 --> 00:19:53,171 Wow, this really ruins Jack and Rose for everyone. 536 00:19:53,172 --> 00:19:54,655 So why tell us this? 537 00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:57,206 Because of one man: Rip Digman. 538 00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:58,896 Ah, so this is all Rip Digman's fault? 539 00:19:59,034 --> 00:20:00,862 Wait, wait. I wouldn't say it's my fault. 540 00:20:00,965 --> 00:20:02,551 They're the ones who sank all those ships. 541 00:20:02,655 --> 00:20:06,551 I just revealed the truth, which is my solemn duty as an arky. 542 00:20:06,655 --> 00:20:08,068 Rip ruined Jack and Rose. 543 00:20:08,172 --> 00:20:09,586 You suck, Rick. 544 00:20:09,724 --> 00:20:10,931 Why's everyone mad at me? 545 00:20:11,034 --> 00:20:13,310 I guess that's just the "consequence" 546 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:14,827 for exposing the truth, huh, Rip? 547 00:20:14,931 --> 00:20:16,241 - Uh-huh. - You know what I mean? 548 00:20:16,344 --> 00:20:17,689 That thing you kept saying to me? 549 00:20:17,793 --> 00:20:19,137 - Yup. - Seems like it's kind of 550 00:20:19,241 --> 00:20:21,000 coming full circle and biting you in the ass. 551 00:20:21,103 --> 00:20:23,413 All right, I vaguely see your point, Saltine. 552 00:20:23,551 --> 00:20:26,550 And I suppose it would be ironic if I happened 553 00:20:26,551 --> 00:20:28,688 to give three shits! 554 00:20:28,689 --> 00:20:30,068 After all, 555 00:20:30,206 --> 00:20:31,172 we are... 556 00:20:31,275 --> 00:20:32,551 the Boddingtons. 557 00:20:32,655 --> 00:20:33,724 This show sucks! 558 00:20:33,827 --> 00:20:35,103 But doesn't it at least feel good 559 00:20:35,206 --> 00:20:36,482 to all be back together again? 560 00:20:36,586 --> 00:20:38,344 Not if we have to watch this shit. 561 00:20:38,448 --> 00:20:40,103 It gets good. Briefly. 562 00:20:40,241 --> 00:20:41,724 And then really bad again for the whole rest of it. 563 00:20:41,862 --> 00:20:43,068 - No! - Come on! 564 00:20:43,172 --> 00:20:44,482 Aw, I missed you guys. 565 00:20:44,586 --> 00:20:46,586 Yup. Enjoy the time you have left, Saltine. 566 00:20:46,689 --> 00:20:48,896 - What does that mean? - You'll find out soon enough. 567 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,275 Sometime between the second and third annual arky picnics. 568 00:20:51,413 --> 00:20:52,724 - What? - All right. 569 00:20:52,827 --> 00:20:54,758 Bring it in, you, knuckleheads. 570 00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:57,827 Rip Digman and his friends 571 00:20:57,931 --> 00:21:00,344 were not so nice as we imagined. 572 00:21:00,448 --> 00:21:03,586 Perhaps their names need to be added to a different list. 573 00:21:30,034 --> 00:21:31,137 Chirp. 574 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,137 ♪ MTV. ♪